December - is all about the Gratitude

Gratitude

For all
I have learned,
I am thankful.
For all I have met
And all that I have,
I am thankful.
For where
I am now
And who
I am today,
I am thankful,
I am thankful,
I am thankful.
Tonight
I sleep tight,

Goodnight.

Ahhhh December, December!
How best to describe it?
Let me try.
So every day of the year has at least 2 hours of large intensity.
1 hour in the morning and 1 hour in the evening.
It is that moment where I am tired and yet EVERYONE in my household has an urgent, noisy, need at the same time.
It is a crescendo of “day”, and in that very, very moment - the dog will make a piercing bark for some doggie necessity and my brain will start overwhelmingly screaming. That moment happens every day for a relatively short period of time and that, well that feeling for me is the month of DECEMBER.

December is the month where all the sensible creatures on the planet take the time to retire, rest, replenish and restore. Whereas we decide, that the dark of winter is the perfect time to PPPPPAAAAARRRRRRTTTTTYYYYY the whole month long. The calendar is brimmed with events, needs and expectations. We hear the shrills of “making memories” and the drum beat of “tradition, tradition.” I look at us all, standing in this thing and see forced smiles with scary eyes. “‘Tis the season,” I hear myself say....””all the things” my brain repeats “all-the-things.”

And each year I promise myself that this year, this year will be different. This year I will do the holidays the sensible way, I will be strong with the word “no” and “not this year”. I will recreate that feeling of simple contentment and bliss for the season that I used to have as a child. Yet the feelings of stress rise, the plans fall out of my control and I start to get sucked into the hustle, I start to feel bad that I’m not doing “all the things”, that I am lacking in some way and end up feeling even more stressed and fraught. “Happy Holidays.”
Glug, glug Baileys.

Phew…sorry, I lost myself a bit there didn’t I.
Should I start again?

As lovely and twinkly as this time of year is – it is stressful.
There is no escaping or denying this, in fact the more we try to pretend that this is fun, fun, fun the worse we feel not better. That said – we do not need to run to our covers just yet – it is going to be ok! We are going to get through this, I promise. Survival at best yes, but maybe, just maybe I could squeeze the odd genuine smile in there too.

How Caz, I hear you cry? Ok, stick with me – because this might sound a little naff, but I have found it really works. It is a game I play called mini-miracles. Gratitude has become an overplayed word these days…so I have come up with a simpler version that you can play each day, your own little secret game. Everyday is filled with a mixed bag of stuff. Stuff will go right, stuff will go wrong, stuff will go REALLY right and stuff will go UTTERLY wrong…add to that a mixed bag of moods too …we will want to kiss people somedays and kick people in the neck the next. I don’t think this is a personality – it is just being human – especially being human in December.
As each day is filled with this cocktail of things, it is also dotted with what I am starting to call my mini-miracles of the day…my mini-miracles that before I would not have even noticed, but this month I am paying particular attention to.

Today went something like this:

Coffee – mini-miracle

Kids being nice to eachother – mini-miracle

Good socks in drawer washed – mini-miracle

Walk with friend – mini-miracle

Birds in hedgerow – mini-miracle

Twinkly Christmas Lights – mini-miracle

Made a sale – mini-miracle

Joke that make me laugh – mini-miracle

It doesn’t sound too revolutionary does it? In fact in the space of 12 hours this was probably about 60 mins all put together – but it was 8 times I told my brain “mini-miracle” and mini-miracle is a pretty great expression to surround my day with. It is a much better expression than all the other exclamations my mind says as I deal with daily nonsense and the more I play this game, the more mini-miracles I want to see. I start to see mini-miracles all over the place and I even want to give other people mini-miracles in their day even though they aren’t playing my game. SO I let that person in at the busy intersection, I pick up that dropped item at the store for the harassed mum, I smile nicely at the overworked / slightly rude cashier. Maybe I do have more control over this month than I thought I had. Even though it seems a lot of us are stuck in this high on crack version of the holidays that has developed over the last 30 years or so, we can mix it up ourselves – in the privacy of our own heads – and save some sanity for us all.

Wishing you a collection of mini-miracles in each day this month. This is the end of our year and it has been so lovely to step with you through 2018. If you are joining me on our 2019 I can’t wait to get started and will see you next year!

Happy Holidays and much sanity, I promise to ask Santa to bring us all some.

Cx

November - is all about the Instinct

I choose
my journey
based on
yes, yes, yes.
Now
I feel free,
now
I can fly.
In me
I shall
trust.

I do still owe a piece on this.
It was weirdly much harder to sift through my thoughts than I had expected.

To come still, I promise!

Cx

October - is all about the imperfections (but leaping anyway).

I put off
nothing,
I wait for
nothing
to be just so,
I jump in
as is,
where is,
enjoying
moments
as I go.



I don’t struggle with perfectionism in the same way that I know some people can. I don’t care (to a worrying degree I think for my husband) – if people see the house in a mess, or see me dressed a mess, or my kids in a mess. I don’t hold a high standard for myself in this regard, BUT I do have a standard of rigid perfectionisn in how a situation should look which holds me back at best and paralyzes me at worst. This month is an interesting shift for us because it is asking us to start fully engaging with the world, to really start a conversation again with living. Not just a toe test either, like we did with "Connected", but a full on leap. Are we ready for this? Deep breaths …let’s go…well in a minute…oh maybe tomorrow I will…oh no!

When we recoiled to our beds our world & our head became smaller and simpler because that was all we could manage. This was a must then for sure – a positive, to avoid falling further downwards, but what now? Now we can feel a shift in ourselves and that place we created is starting to feel more stifling than comforting, limiting than safe. Our head is feeling antsy again because we are ready to fly…but something is still holding us back.

What if we can’t cope?

What if we aren’t ready?

What if we repeat old patterns?

What if we fall hard?

This is scary …I wanna go back to bed!

Stepping out of our comfort zone can be terrifying – we have spent so long working on the comfort – how do we know when we’re really ready to leave the nest?

We don’t really – but that’s ok.

We don’t know what we want to do – but that’s ok too.

Nothing has to be concrete, nothing has to be planned just right, and nothing has to look exactly how we imagine it should. The sign is already there in our antsiness that we are ready to start – the secret is to take it slow, but still go.

What will that mean for you?

My leap is a creative one.
It is taking my work out in the world and letting it be there no matter how nervous I get or fraudulent I feel.
It is sending applications to places and allowing rejection.

It is...

..knowing that what I do is important and makes me happy.

It is allowing things that make me happy into my life.

It is the thrill of seeing people connect to my work.

It is knowing that not everyone will.

It is being ok when things work out.

It is being ok when they don't.

It is practicing hard on seeing the good.

It is shrugging my shoulders at the bad.

It is defining my success by the leap.

It is not focusing on the outcome.

It is choosing my own leaps.

It is not being told to jump.

It is being kind to myself when I get bruised.

It is not berating myself for trying.

It is picturing what I would say to a friend or a child.

It is saying the same to myself.

It is taking myself for tea and a cake when I need treat time.

Yeah...it is still that!

It is being my own encouragement.

It is not being a yelly taskmaster.

It is saying I’m going to try this.

It is not saying I must.

It is having a list of "love to's".

It is mixing these in with the "to do's".

It is leaping facing forward.

It is not sneaking a look to the side to see what others are doing.

It is realizing that everyone feels this way.

It is really ...EVERYONE!

It is knowing that I am rusty at this right now.

It is knowing it is going to get easier.

It is being aware when it is time for rest.

It is not calling myself a failure for taking it.

It is sometimes leaping, holding hands with friends and partners.

It is sometimes leaping alone.

It is sometimes landing with grace.

It is sometimes landing on my butt, with my skirt around my ears while wearing really gnarly underwear.

And sometimes, just sometimes it is no landing at all.

because sometimes, just sometimes it is leaping into flight.

That is what it is for me…but what is it for you?
What small, medium or big leap will you take today?
What one thing can you do today to bring you closer?
Imagine you didn’t have to have look a certain way, have a certain thing, be in that certain place…imagine you could just take a leap anyway and see where it took you.
Scary I know, but pretty exciting too.

Good luck deep breathers.

CX

September - is all about the Step

It is only ever
one step,
that is all
I need
to take.
When ready,
repeat...
It is only ever...


SO where do we want to go?
What paths do we want to choose for our life?
Overwhelmed? Me too!
I feel like a kid being forced to answer “what will you do when you grow up?”
I wouldn’t do that to you though – you know that.
Nope this is going to be about noticing those feelings of "yes this is me", and just taking one baby step towards more of that. And when that step has been done? Taking one little baby step more.

When I took myself out from under the covers I actually had a very clear idea of what I needed in my life and what I was missing. Are you that way too? I wonder if a lot of us know what we would love and where we would like to go – at least in a general sense – but get over-whelmed by the details of how.
We see people doing what appeals to us, but we compare our beginning to their middle. We feel we can’t possibly, it isn’t for us, who are we to dream and so back to the covers we go with our mis-placed presumptions.

So what if there was another way?
What if we just did one step that was in line with that dream, that need we all have deep inside us?
What if that was all we committed to do - one step? I mean, we could do that right?

Back story (as my son would say).
My need was creativity.
I remember, embarassingly clearly, the first day I decided that I had, had enough of bad feelings.
That to step towards one thing I loved and fail had to feel better than this rotting away feeling I had inside me.
The first step was not pretty! I’m not going to lie! I bought 3 tubes of paint and totally destroyed a piece of paper with splatters and smears of paint. You know when you hear how someone begins and it all becomes clear. That is not what happened. I had a big piece of paper with huge smears of ugly paint. NO matter how I looked at it – it was ugly. Then I went back at it again – with more ugly smearing, clotting paint – this time in an ugly crying frenzy. Guess what! I had just the same ugly, giant piece of paper, painted like a mad woman and a very ugly red, shamed face. This was my first step.
I didn’t feel much better at the end of it. I felt drained, but I knew that yes I had made some terrible art – but it was still a step of creativity. That was all it had to be. It was just a step – not a goal, not an achievement – all I set myself was a step and my step had been made.

The next day I took my second step. I cut up bits of fabric I had and stuck them all over my ugly paper. I was less frenzied, less judgemental of myself. It was crap, but it didn’t matter so much. It was the step that mattered not the result. I had taken 2 steps on my chosen path.

I did this again and again and again. Step, step, step. I added thread one day, cut it all up another day. Re-stuck it together again on another piece of paper. Step, step, step.

This is pretty much how I have continued on this journey for 4 years now. I know what I am committed to and each day I try to take a step in line with that. Now this is where that darn human nature part steps in. Even though I have carved out this path for myself, I still need CONSTANT reminders that I am doing ok, that I am doing better than before. So if I can be of any assistance please watch out for these human nature hiccups.

1. Steps can be any size. This has to be your mantra! Sometimes you will have the time and space to really develop on something, other times life will really like to interrupt. This is going to happen! NO point in fighting it. The key is to always know what your next step is and make it work to your life as it stands now.

2. Sometimes life will be amazing and you find you can run up 5 or 6 steps with ease and joy. Everything lines up just right. Other times it will feel like you have been on the same spot for a lifetime, looking at the same damn view. Just know you are still on the right path no matter the speed you are moving. Everything happens in ebbs and flows. If the step feels too big to climb – make it smaller and smaller so you at least sense some positive movement. If you can't even do that then mantra to yourself ebbs and flows, ebbs and flows.

3. Ha this one is the best one. Some days you are going to feel like you fell down the whole flight of your steps. I get some nights like this. In fact I had this feeling yesterday when after a week of flying up with ease I got too ahead of myself and bump down I go one, two, three. This is set back time. Be kind to yourself. Whatever happened you didn’t fall down the whole flight, you just stumbled on a couple. Hang onto the rails, rest and begin again when you are ready.

We are often told to never look back. I don’t agree. If you feel like you are really right back where you started, take a good look at where you started, it is amazing how far you have actually come.

Does this help at all? Does it feel manageable? I hope it does!
I have talked about creativity here only because that was my need, but it can be anything at all. Anything that you have had murmuring inside yourself, but been too scared to tell anyone. Or maybe it is the thing you find yourself saying you wish you had done, to friends – assuming the time has passed. The time hasn’t really passed for anything, I honestly think – you can set yourself one step for anything at all! Blimey!

I hope you enjoy the rest of your September CX

August - is all about the Funnies (and the not funnies)

Remembering
to pack my
appreciation
of the
ridiculous
and all the
things
that
make me
belly laugh.


Hello everyone - this was supposed to be my August 1st blog post and what date are we at now... 15th?
Summer is a busy time for the Noisy Boy family and it seems the only way I can stay sane is to put most "grown up" responsibilities to one side and succumb to the pull of summer rather than trying to juggle everything. This leads to mixed feelings of things being wonderful and then overwhelming as grown up life still moves on, piles up and catches up to me.

I have bills that are being paid late, a mountain of work for my husband piling up on my desk, housework being operated at the bare minimum and the sudden realization that I haven't cooked a dinner in 6 weeks. My blog post about humour has also fallen by the wayside, not because I wasn't thinking about it, but because I was finding it hard to find the right words about laughter when I was feeling so stretched with my time. I was out "enjoying" summer with the kids, but equally feeling overwhelming guilt and fear about how much real life stuff was getting missed because I simply can't juggle the two sides.

This guilt was leading to a black cloud coming over me about my inability to cope with things that other people seem to skip through so easily. Why am I finding the idea of shopping so overwhelming? Why can't I juggle working from home with the demands of the children? Why can't my brain successfully split itself into 20 different compartments to make for a successful "whole" life. I am simply just not built for that. I am not a multi-tasker. It makes me insane to be so bitty, but that is of course what life requires. So I pootle along...I live in an amazing place so our summers are easy with swims in all sorts of places, I hustle enough time to get the bulk of what "needs" to be done for my husband, my kids like grilled cheese at least better than they like shopping so they don't complain. I have a hubby who goes above and beyond when he is home to keep things running and so I stay sane enough, calm enough to be ok with a day, without letting the overwhelmed feelings take over completely. But then I try to write a post about laughter and lightening up and it feels wrong, too shallow, too disingenuous for me to complete - it isn't where I am at right now. I am ok, yes, I have my head above water of demands and am functioning pretty well - but I am not carefree, I am not throwing my hair back in laughter of all things - I am inwardly grimacing, striving, working to keep it all together - I don't want someone to now lecture me about finding time for laughter and lightness and I don't want to do it to you either.

That said HOWEVER - laughter may not be given out as a goal, but it is a wonderful surprise in my days. You know that real, gut, point finger, that is FUNNY feeling that happens every so often! My default as you can guess is serious, worried, fixing, anticipating of life and what it wants to throw - I have always been that way - it feels more now just because I have more responsibilities, but as a child I was a worry wart so there is no point in me trying to change her completely - she is me. She is also the reason I see pain in others, I recognize sadness and know when things aren't ok, I can be understanding of other peoples worries and anxieties - because I have them too. Sooo when laughter sweeps over me and over my worries of the moment - it really is a wonderful feeling. My sadness and worries have certainly not subsided this month and I guess that is what I was struggling with in writing this - how can sad, moody inside Caz write about funny and laughing? But that isn't what this needs to be. IT can be just that I have noticed the moments of my laughter more and enjoyed the reprieve they give me from the chatter of doom that spins in my head. I allowed myself to enjoy a silly movie, I watched a stand up comedienne who did an amazing skit on his gig for Mariah Carey's husband, I giggled with a friend about her dealings with her teenage daughter, guffawed as another friend GIF'd me people nodding (a long story) and I watched this video below that brought tears to my eyes with my morning coffee.

A video that will bring tears to your eyes with laughter

We can't all be carefree and ease to laugh people. We can't all aim to "make" that happen for us when it just isn't how we are wired. We can't feel guilty for sometimes looking at life on the negative side just because that is who we are. But we DO laugh at the things that make us laugh - we laugh hard and we hold on to those rare touches of humour in the world because they mean a lot to us, they are our little miracles in darker days, they suspend the worry for just those few minutes, they reassure us that it is ok really even for a short time. So I am holding onto Maevis and George (video above) and all the funny things that life crops up for us - because these moments are important when they come.

Oh and cheer up would ya! Ha!

July - is all about the Connection

I slow down
and look closely.
These colours,
this sky,
that moon,
those smiles.
In this
I find peace,
I find calm,
I find home.

This month of July we are venturing back into the world, but taking it thoughtful and slow. We are going to be thinking like a snail on our outside adventures.

To be so overwhelmed and beaten to our beds as we were, we must have lost our sense of us along the way. Lost our, who we are, what we like and what we are about. Our surroundings and thoughts were no longer in sync. with us. We had been squeezing ourselves too much into those damn should’s and what do they need, what are they doing? This sent us on a downward spiral; far away from ourselves and our trust of our place in the world.

When we are stuck in our beds the world seems dangerous, noisy, uncaring and cold. It doesn’t have to be this way though. The world still loves us, has a place for us and is waiting for us to come back. That is what we are starting again to do – as we bravely open our door.

This venture does not need to be rushed – in fact it can’t be rushed. We aren’t going to fill our time or senses with what we had before – we are anew, clean slated, we are a build to come.

When you open that door and step out, breathe in deep, then look around. Look around for the first time to really see. What do you see? Not judge, but see. Are you looking at stuff that annoys you? Oh bugger that fence is so rotten, why did the postman leave that there, who dug that huge hole in the yard….Dylan!!!
This is not the voice we want – this is not connection it is reaction – try again. Strain if you have to, see one thing that is pretty, one thing that is cool, one shape that’s interesting, one colour that sings. You honestly only need to spy one thing to start, this one thing is the beginning of your brain re-train. This is your start to where you want to go.

Ok so you saw a shape! Really look at that shape – take a minute to study that shape. I know, I know this is daft Caroline – I know it feels it. But you are doing some cool stuff I promise…remember the brain re-train.

SO maybe one thing is enough for you – you are done. I can’t connect to the world with a spiral. Well a-c-t-u-a-l-l-y you can. See you are going to see that spiral on the bus, in the ceiling pattern of a coffee shop, in the fences at your local track. That spiral is going to be having little chats with you along your way and sending out a hi. You may even have seen a colour you liked or a colour combination that sent you a thrill – hey guess what – that colour combination exists on that trail you thought you might like to walk, on the painted doors of those houses you walk by, in that hat you saw in that shop.

While you were looking and seeing that spiral, in that weird fence at the track, you happened to see the sky. You hadn’t noticed the clouds like that before – wow the light is really dark, but glowing today – really glowing on that hill there – that hill there – how long has that been there? I like the way it semi- cuts into the landscape.

Hang on what happened to that rotten old fence, that hole in the yard, that person who gets on your nerves? Well maybe they suddenly aren’t the only things in your world. Your world – right on your doorstep has actually become quite interesting. Simple, yes…but thrilling too. To know that little bursts of joy can be so easily grasped is a wonder in itself. The changes we are making aren’t drastic, but at the same time you will notice a shift in your mood, your choices, in the way you frame your day. This is your secret – this isn’t a fad diet you have to tell people about, a self help book you need to explain – this is just a private, knowing smile and friendly greet between you and your world.

As you connect with the world again – you’ll honestly begin to see it as a friend. It is on your side – it has a place for you. Each step you take to see what it is that appeals to you will send more messages that will spread into your day and your sense of place. This is where you begin again, but on simpler, manageable terms that will fit your own shape, your own values and dreams. Connecting in this way is going to start the positive change you have been seeking and it will start with one simple thing.

So here’s to July being full of our little shimmering snail trails. I wonder where it will take you?

June - is all about the strength

Strength

Is to own
who I am,
what I like,
what I did,
what I do and
what I don't want to.

Strength
is to own
both the
truth and the
dreams and
sit quietly
with these
without apology
or need
for validation.

I am mixing it up a little this month and would like to give a warm welcome to my guest blogger Dalyce from December Studio who I asked to share her thoughts on what it is to nurture strength.

“You are the sky. Everything else—it’s just the weather.” —Pena Chodron

Growing up, the world taught me that emotions are a sign of weakness and inherently shameful. In adulthood I’ve grown to understand that emotions are the language of the human trifecta—mind.body.spirit. Emotions are energetic guides, the messengers of navigating life, and they must be acknowledged, looked at, cared for and then let go of. If we ignore, repress or judge our feelings we hold the energy in limbo and it becomes poison for our whole selves. Strength and resilience comes from working with your emotions instead of against them.

Self care is a hot topic these days and is promoted as treating yourself to that sweet coffee drink or glass of wine or new outfit. I think this is definitely ok sometimes, but true, sustainable self-care is not about contriving a temporary sense of ease + feel good vibes. It’s about digging deep into what feels tricky in order to sustain a core of ease and live in the flow of high vibrations regularly.

In my art practice, my internal self doubt gremlins surface on the regular. At the beginning of my journey these little fiends were nasty. They caused me to want to give up every day. My love for creativity, however, drove me forward and through that dedication I began to look my nasty gremlins in the eye and ask what they were trying to show me. They were just the relics of past conditioning wanting to be brought to light. When they’d show up I would counterbalance them with words of encouragement and love until eventually they weakened and shrunk. I began a system of emotional self care.

Very recently I started a focused meditation practice whereby I talk kindly to my body, my heart, by mind and my soul. I thank each of them for what they’ve given me to get through this life. I also visualize my family and envision sending them clear blue light energy to surround and support them. I send them gratitude for the love and support they show to me and others in life. It’s my form of prayer and has proven to be a very helpful way to soften my emotional responses toward myself and my loved ones during the hard times of life. By starting everyday in gratitude for these gifts, my well for grace grows deeper and fuller and my ability to navigate through difficult emotions gets stronger.

By embracing our emotions, owning our quirks, accepting what we love for what it is, allowing mistakes and creating healthy boundaries—we build emotional strength and resilience. Gratitude for what life brings forward guides us into courage, confidence, and personal power. It also allows us to accept others more easily which diminishes judgement and fear-based thinking—and, side benefit, helps us accept ourselves more fully too.
Emotions are not the enemy, but the key to understanding who we are, what we want and how we intend to live our lives. They are like the weather: changing, growing,building, diminishing. They come, they go and they help us to grow.

What ways do you build emotional strength and resilience?

May - is all about the acceptance

Acceptance

Neither
reaching
for the moon,
nor bound to
the ground.
Happy is
when I
can float
amongst
the stars.


This picture popped into my head one day as a speedy moment of clarity.
You know those!
When everything makes sense for a brief second and then everything feels clumsy and confusing again.
I made the picture to remind myself of that clear moment as it held the key to my experience of happiness.
One of the things I struggle with is change and expectations.
I can ruin an experience because it isn’t what I thought it would be or what I had originally planned.
That can make for an interesting time because life is completely haphazard and entirely built on change.
My teacher in this has been my noisy boy, who also struggles with these.
We talk a lot about transitions (that is the moment between one thing and another thing – yep it’s a thing)
and we talk a lot about expectations and how something might be going sideways because of unknown territory and / or differences in what we thought would happen. My son and I seem to feel more comfortable with a perceived feeling of control in situations, but we are learning how to negotiate our way through this by giving up the reins sometimes. Just as my little girl is teaching me piano, my boy is my lesson in feelings.

When I think back on moments that I haven’t ruined with my sulky face. Times when I have in fact let loose, chilled out, or even (dare I say it), “gone with the flow” – it feels AMAZING! I know I have it in me – I just forget to switch it on and that is my homework for May.

If this sounds in anyway familiar to you I have been playing a game with myself for the last couple of weeks called the Acceptance game. Before I explain I should note that this is not a lesson for passivity. IT isn’t about accepting status quo when status quo is truly affecting you negatively. This is more about times when you are getting in your own way of enjoyment, contentment and just plain chilling to make for a happier day. Ok back to the game. SO here are some prime examples of me.

1. I am getting completely wound up by some random person in life for some perceived thing they have done. Game on. I accept I am getting wound up right now, but I choose not to let this ruin this day.

2. The kids are hyper, I have to cook dinner and there are 6 things spinning through my head about stuff I have to do and I am going to loose my mind. Game on. I accept that all I have to do right now is cook dinner. I choose to not think of these other things I need to do right now.

3. Malaise of mood about weight, work, messiness or my general crappiness at something. I accept I feel crappy right now about (put in issue of the moment) but I choose to do something that makes me uncrappy (like make a picture, drink a tea, take a breath, take a walk, get that washing up finished).

4. Decisions. I am terrible at making decisions especially about things that I don’t really want to think about, but have to in grown up land. Once I make a decision about how I might handle a tricky situation, a business choice or a personal matter, whatever it is I will still churn it over in my mind. If it was a situation I was feeling particularly prickly about then on and on in my head it will go even though I have decided what I am going to do and already taken action. Game on. I accept that I have made my decision and I stand by that decision. I chose now to lay this situation to rest and move on.

It sounds very basic I know, but little, by little something started to shift in me. That heavy weight that joins my ears to my shoulders did actually start to lift. All I was really doing was being a kind person to myself to stop the spiraling, but because I wasn’t spending so much of my day in a spiral I was less tired, less hurt and less burdened. I wasn’t striving to change things, to “fix” these perceived problems, nor was I letting myself be dragged down by them, all I was doing was saying “oh yeah there you are and moving on”.

This is early days of course. Last week the sun was shining, a warm spring had arrived and my mood was lighter. Today a rainy day seems to have taken its toll on me and I can feel the stress rise again bit, by bit. If I can keep up my awareness though, keep up the training of these acceptance muscles of mine, I can still build a resiliency and learn not to freak out so much at change and sudden circumstance. Learn to hang back a bit rather than kick into reactive mode. Become a little more wait and see, rather than fluster and fear of fate. For my noisy boy I can do this so that more and more we will both be just chilling in the stars.

Good luck my friends with your trials of acceptance this month of May. What are the triggers that make you get the board out for your acceptance game?

April - is all about the support

Photo Credit: Devon Gillott Sessions

I close
my eyes
and there
I see,
a patchwork
of the
people who
blanket
me.


One of the things that can happen when we take to our beds is an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Whether we have isolated ourselves too much or even if we are surrounded by people all the time, we can still feel alone in this. This is the month, when we turn our thoughts to the positive people who are in our life, have been in our lives and those passing miracle, people who pop up out of the blue at just the right time. This is our time to focus on the people who are there for us and have been there for us, to help us see that net of support that is still there; we have just forgotten how to feel it.

I would like us to try a little exercise together. We are going to make a paper quilt. First take a piece of paper and divide it up into squares – just like the cloth pieces of a quilt. The first thing we are going to do is to draw ourselves in one of the squares near the centre. This can have your name, a stick figure, a shape, a swirl – anything that helps you make the mental note of "there I am". Next I want you to start filling the squares around you with anyone that is close to you right now who is a bright spark in your week – a partner, a family member, a friend. Think outside the box too; a kind mum during drop off, a co-worker who makes you laugh, a friendly coffee server or a helpful neighbor. Just keep filling those squares with anyone who comes to mind who has brightened your every day, or your week or your recent months.

Once you have exhausted those squares you are going to move outward and add all those people who you no longer live close to, but who would support you in a heartbeat. Family who live far away, childhood friends, college friends, old work colleagues. Who have you collected in your experiences along the way that have helped to shape your today? Who could you connect with immediately and with ease if you lived closer? Keep on filling those squares.

The next squares are for those people in your life who have been your guardian angels at random stages. I really enjoy remembering these people and once you start you will be amazed at how many angels you have met along the way. They deserve a square in your support network for what they did for you, but they also serve as a reminder that people will pop up in your life over and over to help you at times of need. It has happened before and it will happen again. I have special teachers, a manager of one of my first jobs, people when I travelled who all went above and beyond to help me at different times of my life. Who took a kind interest in me when I needed the guidance and support. These are people who I won’t ever see again, but who made their own special mark on and in me.

This next one is hard, but important. I would like us to fill up more squares that honour and remember the people in our lives we have loved and lost. These people still live inside us and their support when they were here is strongly imbedded, even though it hurts to be reminded. These are the special people in our lives who still play a very important part in this amazing paper fabric that is unfolding.

So lastly, as you look at all these people who have made you, held you by the hand, made you laugh, made you tea and done all the great things that they have done, I want you to also look at some empty squares. These squares are there to symbolise our faith that people do always come to help, support, befriend and love us. We need to make room for our special people of the future.

I hope after this little paper exercise you are feeling a little amazed at who is really in your life!
We may feel by ourselves, but we are far from alone.
We are in fact part of a much bigger picture, that is sewn together with strong threads of support and comfort.
This is our network, these are our people and stitched together they are always there to keep us warm when we need.
Wrap up this month.

Happy April.

March - Is all about the fear...

I listen
calmly
to what
you say.
Then
thank you
kindly
and send
you on
your way.

Ahhh what a dance I can do to avoid this little word FEAR. Today I am away with the family for their ski time. We are staying in a nice hotel room where I have easy access to everything I need (food and drinkies). It is blizzard like outside so I have no desire to go out and there are zero distractions around me. Just me, my keyboard and a piece of paper that has the word FEAR in foreboding capitals. Today is the last day before I am to post this piece, and the resistance is crazy. Never have I left a post until this late in the day, but always have I denied, ignored or run away from FEAR. Before I could possibly sit to write this I have done the dishes, drunk 4 cups of coffee, eaten 8 pieces of chocolate and wondered aloud how early too early is for wine...oh hang on let’s do a Facebook post. Does any of this sound familiar?

Me leaving this post to the last day is completely understandable because, let’s face it, FEAR is sucky. FEAR is a little monster inside me that grows and grows until it sends me to my bed, hiding under the covers. I get so tired from avoiding it, denying it or semi feeling it and shutting it down before it can derail me. FEAR is the monotonous durge of worries and anxieties throughout my daily doings. It is the background murmurs of “are you sure?” and the “what if something terrible happens?” FEAR is sudden tensing as my shoulders meet my ears, yet my brain hasn’t even processed why. FEAR is the small drains and the 3am tsunami that turn into Netflix binges as I drown out the biggies of “you will be alone, you do not matter, you are a sucky person.” Phew ...I know right!

Ignored FEARS get very demanding you know! My escaping and denial coping mechanisms over the years have never worked and the older I get the more energy they take. Then one day, I hit my mid forties and suddenly heard this exasperated voice cry out “seriously Caz..this again? This again??.”

Who the hell was this person...(spoiler alert it was me) ...and doesn’t she make a good point! I am getting too old to let life slip by in a constant tremor. I have too much good stuff going on around me to be distracted all the time by these intense, and icky feelings. ”No!” Wise, weird woman I say “NOT this again, not this again!”

I would now like to introduce you to my word for the year, RESILIENCY. Wrestling with my “what the hell am I going to do with this?” I spied a 4 session class at a local yoga studio called Building Resiliency. Here we adopt a simple yoga and mindful practise of listening to our bodies, our breath and simply “noticing”...not reacting...noticing. Resiliency suddenly became a word of calm strength that helped me to understand fear in a different way.

Resiliency is the friend to fear. Fear is fear not FEAR ..if that makes sense? I was first going to say that resiliency is the armour for fear, but that isn’t right. Fear and resiliency are in a working relationship, not a war with each other. They work together in friendship and support, we need both to be whole. It isn’t so much that fear is my problem, it is that I need to exercise my resiliency to go hand in hand. Then fear won’t freak out so much. Instead of nurturing my fear with quiet and calm attention, I was avoiding and ignoring it, leaving it to grow wild. The moment I can turn this around, my fears should be able to regulate themselves better in the knowledge that l’ve got this.

In it’s own nutty way, my fear is trying to protect me. It is my handy check list, my ”are you sure?” reminder and when it hears me reply “yep, i’ve got this” then it can rest and let the day unfold. My work this month is to build my resiliency, my ‘i’ve got this”, rather than focusing on the fear side. By building on resiliency with a calm, connected strength, I can let these fears rest.


No more can I talk about fear without talking about resiliency.



Thank you for taking the time to read this...I know it is a big one this month and it was a lot to grapple with for me. I wonder what building resiliency looks like for you? What steps could you take to find peace with your fears? We aren’t building walls against our fear anymore...we are reaching out, telling it we understand and “we’ve got this.”

February - is all about the space

A need
to breathe,
to think,
to grieve,
and then
to understand.

One of my favourite past times growing up was to sit on my window ledge and look. I suppose I was looking out and looking in – weird kid I know! It is pretty hard to explain to your kid friends too “Sorry, I can’t come out and play because I am looking out my window.” Funny, because now as a “proper” grown up it is still hard to explain to family, friends or life stuff. I have yet to post a Facebook status that reads, Caroline is “sitting and staring”, but sometimes that is exactly what I need.

The words overwhelmed and introverted had not been introduced to me when I was perched there, cozy on my window ledge. Now I have a clearer understanding of what I was doing. I was powering down and catching up on some overdue brain filing. I was basically doing exactly what I needed, to be able to do all the stuff young people need to do. Grown up Caz, doesn’t have quite the same space in her life to do this though and when left too long gets brain fry.

So this month I am looking to prioritize the art of standby, without explanation or guilt. When the time presents itself, I will take it. I will take the space to complete a…thought. The space to be still with the durge in my head. The time to just look outside, without listing my to do’s.

I no longer have a deep window ledge to perch, but I do have a kitchen table that stands just below the garden window. Certain times are quiet at this table; these are the moments I can grab. There are too many circular thoughts that need to be processed and then filed away. The brain has got cluttered and chaotic. Its storage is full which leaves no space for new or exciting ideas.

I am giving myself the space this February month, to process it all. Do you have a look spot too?

January - is all about the rest...

First is
permission
for slumber
and rest.
I am tired
so tired
need time
to refresh.


Whenever I find myself escaping the world (or barking at it), it dawns on me rather late in the day how damn tired I am. Binge watching tv and late nights, persistently poor sleep, busy / hectic days and just a general malaise of my day to day routine are all contributors for me. When we make a conscious effort to take some time off from the race it can be quite the revelation of where and how we are being drained. We all have stuff we need to get done in our lives, that is reality, but those “must” things can get wrapped in a whole lot of drama, worry and frazzle that can be self-induced. Taking some time out to heal from this and be aware of our role in these fatigue feeders can be quite an eye opener.

So our first goal for the year is rest. Admit that we are tired and take the time to recuperate. The “I really should’s” of the day can take a little step back. Rest for you may be as easy as going to bed early, decreasing your caffeine and cancelling an engagement, but I’ll bet it isn’t really as simple as that. A lot of tiredness for me comes from inside my head as well as tiredness in my body.

Imagine taking a rest from the chatter both in life and online, a break from the repetitive stories we keep telling ourselves to understand experiences. Wouldn't it be nice to silence that nagging voice that tells you, you should be doing more, or should be more? If we could take a more mental rest, what space would we have left for more positive flows of energy?

If this starts working for you, build on those energies, save them rather than jumping into stuff too soon. There is plenty of time. If you do have to nag yourself then nag yourself to be a little kinder to yourself, to do a little less and then to do a little less, more. If you catch yourself with a repetitive anxiety or anger – try to let it through you rather than holding onto to it and giving it more energy than you have right now. I don’t think this is going to be easy, making it all the more necessary. How hard is it for you to rest or relax without flitting to something else, or feeling the guilt or sensing a panic set it? I think it will be hard, but I think it will be very interesting too. We are going to get a true awareness of where our time and our energy go in just a few weeks, which gives us the power to control it in the future.

Feeling uncomfortable already with the idea? I know me too, we know ourselves too well hey! We don’t have to be perfect with it – we aren’t going to change over night with our running arounds or our monkey brains, but if we do try to be aware then the change will come. I’m quite sure of it. GOOD LUCK everyone, go forth and enjoy some happy ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ’s and feet up, chill times this month of January. I give you absolute permission!