March - Is all about the fear...

I listen
calmly
to what
you say.
Then
thank you
kindly
and send
you on
your way.

Ahhh what a dance I can do to avoid this little word FEAR. Today I am away with the family for their ski time. We are staying in a nice hotel room where I have easy access to everything I need (food and drinkies). It is blizzard like outside so I have no desire to go out and there are zero distractions around me. Just me, my keyboard and a piece of paper that has the word FEAR in foreboding capitals. Today is the last day before I am to post this piece, and the resistance is crazy. Never have I left a post until this late in the day, but always have I denied, ignored or run away from FEAR. Before I could possibly sit to write this I have done the dishes, drunk 4 cups of coffee, eaten 8 pieces of chocolate and wondered aloud how early too early is for wine...oh hang on let’s do a Facebook post. Does any of this sound familiar?

Me leaving this post to the last day is completely understandable because, let’s face it, FEAR is sucky. FEAR is a little monster inside me that grows and grows until it sends me to my bed, hiding under the covers. I get so tired from avoiding it, denying it or semi feeling it and shutting it down before it can derail me. FEAR is the monotonous durge of worries and anxieties throughout my daily doings. It is the background murmurs of “are you sure?” and the “what if something terrible happens?” FEAR is sudden tensing as my shoulders meet my ears, yet my brain hasn’t even processed why. FEAR is the small drains and the 3am tsunami that turn into Netflix binges as I drown out the biggies of “you will be alone, you do not matter, you are a sucky person.” Phew ...I know right!

Ignored FEARS get very demanding you know! My escaping and denial coping mechanisms over the years have never worked and the older I get the more energy they take. Then one day, I hit my mid forties and suddenly heard this exasperated voice cry out “seriously Caz..this again? This again??.”

Who the hell was this person...(spoiler alert it was me) ...and doesn’t she make a good point! I am getting too old to let life slip by in a constant tremor. I have too much good stuff going on around me to be distracted all the time by these intense, and icky feelings. ”No!” Wise, weird woman I say “NOT this again, not this again!”

I would now like to introduce you to my word for the year, RESILIENCY. Wrestling with my “what the hell am I going to do with this?” I spied a 4 session class at a local yoga studio called Building Resiliency. Here we adopt a simple yoga and mindful practise of listening to our bodies, our breath and simply “noticing”...not reacting...noticing. Resiliency suddenly became a word of calm strength that helped me to understand fear in a different way.

Resiliency is the friend to fear. Fear is fear not FEAR ..if that makes sense? I was first going to say that resiliency is the armour for fear, but that isn’t right. Fear and resiliency are in a working relationship, not a war with each other. They work together in friendship and support, we need both to be whole. It isn’t so much that fear is my problem, it is that I need to exercise my resiliency to go hand in hand. Then fear won’t freak out so much. Instead of nurturing my fear with quiet and calm attention, I was avoiding and ignoring it, leaving it to grow wild. The moment I can turn this around, my fears should be able to regulate themselves better in the knowledge that l’ve got this.

In it’s own nutty way, my fear is trying to protect me. It is my handy check list, my ”are you sure?” reminder and when it hears me reply “yep, i’ve got this” then it can rest and let the day unfold. My work this month is to build my resiliency, my ‘i’ve got this”, rather than focusing on the fear side. By building on resiliency with a calm, connected strength, I can let these fears rest.


No more can I talk about fear without talking about resiliency.



Thank you for taking the time to read this...I know it is a big one this month and it was a lot to grapple with for me. I wonder what building resiliency looks like for you? What steps could you take to find peace with your fears? We aren’t building walls against our fear anymore...we are reaching out, telling it we understand and “we’ve got this.”

February - is all about the space

A need
to breathe,
to think,
to grieve,
and then
to understand.

One of my favourite past times growing up was to sit on my window ledge and look. I suppose I was looking out and looking in – weird kid I know! It is pretty hard to explain to your kid friends too “Sorry, I can’t come out and play because I am looking out my window.” Funny, because now as a “proper” grown up it is still hard to explain to family, friends or life stuff. I have yet to post a Facebook status that reads, Caroline is “sitting and staring”, but sometimes that is exactly what I need.

The words overwhelmed and introverted had not been introduced to me when I was perched there, cozy on my window ledge. Now I have a clearer understanding of what I was doing. I was powering down and catching up on some overdue brain filing. I was basically doing exactly what I needed, to be able to do all the stuff young people need to do. Grown up Caz, doesn’t have quite the same space in her life to do this though and when left too long gets brain fry.

So this month I am looking to prioritize the art of standby, without explanation or guilt. When the time presents itself, I will take it. I will take the space to complete a…thought. The space to be still with the durge in my head. The time to just look outside, without listing my to do’s.

I no longer have a deep window ledge to perch, but I do have a kitchen table that stands just below the garden window. Certain times are quiet at this table; these are the moments I can grab. There are too many circular thoughts that need to be processed and then filed away. The brain has got cluttered and chaotic. Its storage is full which leaves no space for new or exciting ideas.

I am giving myself the space this February month, to process it all. Do you have a look spot too?

January - is all about the rest...

First is
permission
for slumber
and rest.
I am tired
so tired
need time
to refresh.


Whenever I find myself escaping the world (or barking at it), it dawns on me rather late in the day how damn tired I am. Binge watching tv and late nights, persistently poor sleep, busy / hectic days and just a general malaise of my day to day routine are all contributors for me. When we make a conscious effort to take some time off from the race it can be quite the revelation of where and how we are being drained. We all have stuff we need to get done in our lives, that is reality, but those “must” things can get wrapped in a whole lot of drama, worry and frazzle that can be self-induced. Taking some time out to heal from this and be aware of our role in these fatigue feeders can be quite an eye opener.

So our first goal for the year is rest. Admit that we are tired and take the time to recuperate. The “I really should’s” of the day can take a little step back. Rest for you may be as easy as going to bed early, decreasing your caffeine and cancelling an engagement, but I’ll bet it isn’t really as simple as that. A lot of tiredness for me comes from inside my head as well as tiredness in my body.

Imagine taking a rest from the chatter both in life and online, a break from the repetitive stories we keep telling ourselves to understand experiences. Wouldn't it be nice to silence that nagging voice that tells you, you should be doing more, or should be more? If we could take a more mental rest, what space would we have left for more positive flows of energy?

If this starts working for you, build on those energies, save them rather than jumping into stuff too soon. There is plenty of time. If you do have to nag yourself then nag yourself to be a little kinder to yourself, to do a little less and then to do a little less, more. If you catch yourself with a repetitive anxiety or anger – try to let it through you rather than holding onto to it and giving it more energy than you have right now. I don’t think this is going to be easy, making it all the more necessary. How hard is it for you to rest or relax without flitting to something else, or feeling the guilt or sensing a panic set it? I think it will be hard, but I think it will be very interesting too. We are going to get a true awareness of where our time and our energy go in just a few weeks, which gives us the power to control it in the future.

Feeling uncomfortable already with the idea? I know me too, we know ourselves too well hey! We don’t have to be perfect with it – we aren’t going to change over night with our running arounds or our monkey brains, but if we do try to be aware then the change will come. I’m quite sure of it. GOOD LUCK everyone, go forth and enjoy some happy ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ’s and feet up, chill times this month of January. I give you absolute permission!