September - is all about the Step

It is only ever
one step,
that is all
I need
to take.
When ready,
repeat...
It is only ever...


SO where do we want to go?
What paths do we want to choose for our life?
Overwhelmed? Me too!
I feel like a kid being forced to answer “what will you do when you grow up?”
I wouldn’t do that to you though – you know that.
Nope this is going to be about noticing those feelings of "yes this is me", and just taking one baby step towards more of that. And when that step has been done? Taking one little baby step more.

When I took myself out from under the covers I actually had a very clear idea of what I needed in my life and what I was missing. Are you that way too? I wonder if a lot of us know what we would love and where we would like to go – at least in a general sense – but get over-whelmed by the details of how.
We see people doing what appeals to us, but we compare our beginning to their middle. We feel we can’t possibly, it isn’t for us, who are we to dream and so back to the covers we go with our mis-placed presumptions.

So what if there was another way?
What if we just did one step that was in line with that dream, that need we all have deep inside us?
What if that was all we committed to do - one step? I mean, we could do that right?

Back story (as my son would say).
My need was creativity.
I remember, embarassingly clearly, the first day I decided that I had, had enough of bad feelings.
That to step towards one thing I loved and fail had to feel better than this rotting away feeling I had inside me.
The first step was not pretty! I’m not going to lie! I bought 3 tubes of paint and totally destroyed a piece of paper with splatters and smears of paint. You know when you hear how someone begins and it all becomes clear. That is not what happened. I had a big piece of paper with huge smears of ugly paint. NO matter how I looked at it – it was ugly. Then I went back at it again – with more ugly smearing, clotting paint – this time in an ugly crying frenzy. Guess what! I had just the same ugly, giant piece of paper, painted like a mad woman and a very ugly red, shamed face. This was my first step.
I didn’t feel much better at the end of it. I felt drained, but I knew that yes I had made some terrible art – but it was still a step of creativity. That was all it had to be. It was just a step – not a goal, not an achievement – all I set myself was a step and my step had been made.

The next day I took my second step. I cut up bits of fabric I had and stuck them all over my ugly paper. I was less frenzied, less judgemental of myself. It was crap, but it didn’t matter so much. It was the step that mattered not the result. I had taken 2 steps on my chosen path.

I did this again and again and again. Step, step, step. I added thread one day, cut it all up another day. Re-stuck it together again on another piece of paper. Step, step, step.

This is pretty much how I have continued on this journey for 4 years now. I know what I am committed to and each day I try to take a step in line with that. Now this is where that darn human nature part steps in. Even though I have carved out this path for myself, I still need CONSTANT reminders that I am doing ok, that I am doing better than before. So if I can be of any assistance please watch out for these human nature hiccups.

1. Steps can be any size. This has to be your mantra! Sometimes you will have the time and space to really develop on something, other times life will really like to interrupt. This is going to happen! NO point in fighting it. The key is to always know what your next step is and make it work to your life as it stands now.

2. Sometimes life will be amazing and you find you can run up 5 or 6 steps with ease and joy. Everything lines up just right. Other times it will feel like you have been on the same spot for a lifetime, looking at the same damn view. Just know you are still on the right path no matter the speed you are moving. Everything happens in ebbs and flows. If the step feels too big to climb – make it smaller and smaller so you at least sense some positive movement. If you can't even do that then mantra to yourself ebbs and flows, ebbs and flows.

3. Ha this one is the best one. Some days you are going to feel like you fell down the whole flight of your steps. I get some nights like this. In fact I had this feeling yesterday when after a week of flying up with ease I got too ahead of myself and bump down I go one, two, three. This is set back time. Be kind to yourself. Whatever happened you didn’t fall down the whole flight, you just stumbled on a couple. Hang onto the rails, rest and begin again when you are ready.

We are often told to never look back. I don’t agree. If you feel like you are really right back where you started, take a good look at where you started, it is amazing how far you have actually come.

Does this help at all? Does it feel manageable? I hope it does!
I have talked about creativity here only because that was my need, but it can be anything at all. Anything that you have had murmuring inside yourself, but been too scared to tell anyone. Or maybe it is the thing you find yourself saying you wish you had done, to friends – assuming the time has passed. The time hasn’t really passed for anything, I honestly think – you can set yourself one step for anything at all! Blimey!

I hope you enjoy the rest of your September CX

August - is all about the Funnies (and the not funnies)

Remembering
to pack my
appreciation
of the
ridiculous
and all the
things
that
make me
belly laugh.


Hello everyone - this was supposed to be my August 1st blog post and what date are we at now... 15th?
Summer is a busy time for the Noisy Boy family and it seems the only way I can stay sane is to put most "grown up" responsibilities to one side and succumb to the pull of summer rather than trying to juggle everything. This leads to mixed feelings of things being wonderful and then overwhelming as grown up life still moves on, piles up and catches up to me.

I have bills that are being paid late, a mountain of work for my husband piling up on my desk, housework being operated at the bare minimum and the sudden realization that I haven't cooked a dinner in 6 weeks. My blog post about humour has also fallen by the wayside, not because I wasn't thinking about it, but because I was finding it hard to find the right words about laughter when I was feeling so stretched with my time. I was out "enjoying" summer with the kids, but equally feeling overwhelming guilt and fear about how much real life stuff was getting missed because I simply can't juggle the two sides.

This guilt was leading to a black cloud coming over me about my inability to cope with things that other people seem to skip through so easily. Why am I finding the idea of shopping so overwhelming? Why can't I juggle working from home with the demands of the children? Why can't my brain successfully split itself into 20 different compartments to make for a successful "whole" life. I am simply just not built for that. I am not a multi-tasker. It makes me insane to be so bitty, but that is of course what life requires. So I pootle along...I live in an amazing place so our summers are easy with swims in all sorts of places, I hustle enough time to get the bulk of what "needs" to be done for my husband, my kids like grilled cheese at least better than they like shopping so they don't complain. I have a hubby who goes above and beyond when he is home to keep things running and so I stay sane enough, calm enough to be ok with a day, without letting the overwhelmed feelings take over completely. But then I try to write a post about laughter and lightening up and it feels wrong, too shallow, too disingenuous for me to complete - it isn't where I am at right now. I am ok, yes, I have my head above water of demands and am functioning pretty well - but I am not carefree, I am not throwing my hair back in laughter of all things - I am inwardly grimacing, striving, working to keep it all together - I don't want someone to now lecture me about finding time for laughter and lightness and I don't want to do it to you either.

That said HOWEVER - laughter may not be given out as a goal, but it is a wonderful surprise in my days. You know that real, gut, point finger, that is FUNNY feeling that happens every so often! My default as you can guess is serious, worried, fixing, anticipating of life and what it wants to throw - I have always been that way - it feels more now just because I have more responsibilities, but as a child I was a worry wart so there is no point in me trying to change her completely - she is me. She is also the reason I see pain in others, I recognize sadness and know when things aren't ok, I can be understanding of other peoples worries and anxieties - because I have them too. Sooo when laughter sweeps over me and over my worries of the moment - it really is a wonderful feeling. My sadness and worries have certainly not subsided this month and I guess that is what I was struggling with in writing this - how can sad, moody inside Caz write about funny and laughing? But that isn't what this needs to be. IT can be just that I have noticed the moments of my laughter more and enjoyed the reprieve they give me from the chatter of doom that spins in my head. I allowed myself to enjoy a silly movie, I watched a stand up comedienne who did an amazing skit on his gig for Mariah Carey's husband, I giggled with a friend about her dealings with her teenage daughter, guffawed as another friend GIF'd me people nodding (a long story) and I watched this video below that brought tears to my eyes with my morning coffee.

A video that will bring tears to your eyes with laughter

We can't all be carefree and ease to laugh people. We can't all aim to "make" that happen for us when it just isn't how we are wired. We can't feel guilty for sometimes looking at life on the negative side just because that is who we are. But we DO laugh at the things that make us laugh - we laugh hard and we hold on to those rare touches of humour in the world because they mean a lot to us, they are our little miracles in darker days, they suspend the worry for just those few minutes, they reassure us that it is ok really even for a short time. So I am holding onto Maevis and George (video above) and all the funny things that life crops up for us - because these moments are important when they come.

Oh and cheer up would ya! Ha!

July - is all about the Connection

I slow down
and look closely.
These colours,
this sky,
that moon,
those smiles.
In this
I find peace,
I find calm,
I find home.

This month of July we are venturing back into the world, but taking it thoughtful and slow. We are going to be thinking like a snail on our outside adventures.

To be so overwhelmed and beaten to our beds as we were, we must have lost our sense of us along the way. Lost our, who we are, what we like and what we are about. Our surroundings and thoughts were no longer in sync. with us. We had been squeezing ourselves too much into those damn should’s and what do they need, what are they doing? This sent us on a downward spiral; far away from ourselves and our trust of our place in the world.

When we are stuck in our beds the world seems dangerous, noisy, uncaring and cold. It doesn’t have to be this way though. The world still loves us, has a place for us and is waiting for us to come back. That is what we are starting again to do – as we bravely open our door.

This venture does not need to be rushed – in fact it can’t be rushed. We aren’t going to fill our time or senses with what we had before – we are anew, clean slated, we are a build to come.

When you open that door and step out, breathe in deep, then look around. Look around for the first time to really see. What do you see? Not judge, but see. Are you looking at stuff that annoys you? Oh bugger that fence is so rotten, why did the postman leave that there, who dug that huge hole in the yard….Dylan!!!
This is not the voice we want – this is not connection it is reaction – try again. Strain if you have to, see one thing that is pretty, one thing that is cool, one shape that’s interesting, one colour that sings. You honestly only need to spy one thing to start, this one thing is the beginning of your brain re-train. This is your start to where you want to go.

Ok so you saw a shape! Really look at that shape – take a minute to study that shape. I know, I know this is daft Caroline – I know it feels it. But you are doing some cool stuff I promise…remember the brain re-train.

SO maybe one thing is enough for you – you are done. I can’t connect to the world with a spiral. Well a-c-t-u-a-l-l-y you can. See you are going to see that spiral on the bus, in the ceiling pattern of a coffee shop, in the fences at your local track. That spiral is going to be having little chats with you along your way and sending out a hi. You may even have seen a colour you liked or a colour combination that sent you a thrill – hey guess what – that colour combination exists on that trail you thought you might like to walk, on the painted doors of those houses you walk by, in that hat you saw in that shop.

While you were looking and seeing that spiral, in that weird fence at the track, you happened to see the sky. You hadn’t noticed the clouds like that before – wow the light is really dark, but glowing today – really glowing on that hill there – that hill there – how long has that been there? I like the way it semi- cuts into the landscape.

Hang on what happened to that rotten old fence, that hole in the yard, that person who gets on your nerves? Well maybe they suddenly aren’t the only things in your world. Your world – right on your doorstep has actually become quite interesting. Simple, yes…but thrilling too. To know that little bursts of joy can be so easily grasped is a wonder in itself. The changes we are making aren’t drastic, but at the same time you will notice a shift in your mood, your choices, in the way you frame your day. This is your secret – this isn’t a fad diet you have to tell people about, a self help book you need to explain – this is just a private, knowing smile and friendly greet between you and your world.

As you connect with the world again – you’ll honestly begin to see it as a friend. It is on your side – it has a place for you. Each step you take to see what it is that appeals to you will send more messages that will spread into your day and your sense of place. This is where you begin again, but on simpler, manageable terms that will fit your own shape, your own values and dreams. Connecting in this way is going to start the positive change you have been seeking and it will start with one simple thing.

So here’s to July being full of our little shimmering snail trails. I wonder where it will take you?