Transition

You haven’t moved
Nothing’s changed
But things are different
You feel strange

The light is awkward
Your happy’s faded
Nothing’s fitting
You just feel jaded

You try and push things
Force fate’s hand
But it isn’t giving
To your stand

You’re just to wait
Feel that icky skin
It isn’t time
To give in

Time will heal
And you will grow
You’re growing now
It’s just so slow

You are changing
You will see
You’re getting there
But let it be

There’s nothing yet
For you to touch
There’s nothing yet
Well nothing much

SO I just sit here
Feeling crap?
You cry out
Is this a trap?

Not a trap
It’s called transition
It’s not “feel good”
But there is a vision

It’s moving you
Where you must go
It’ll take you there
Just REALLY
S
L
O
W

So sitting quietly
and being still
It will get better
I know it will.

CSTorie2015

Mother's Day

Mother's Day always seems to catch me out - I am a mum, my husband has a Mum and of course I am a daughter to my Mum. Hmmm mustn't forget to send gifts, have a sleep in and remember childhood days.

I live a long way from my family and see them once every 2 years on a good stretch. That is not how I thought things would go when we set off from the UK all those years ago. I was used to travelling and assumed I would be home for at least a month once a year. This year, after 2 years away, I took a sneaky trip home for a week. I couldn't tell my friends because there wasn't any time to visit (Buds - I am so sorry) and I couldn't take the children or my husband because it would've been too stressful and expensive. I took a ride all by myself - I read a book and watched 3 movies - I arrived back in my hometown and knew from the expression on mum's face that I had left it too late - my mother - sitting in the lounge of my childhood, surrounded by all that I know to be home didn't know who I was.

"I know I should know you dear, I know we have met."

It is hard to be travel tired, maybe a little life tired and continue a conversation when you just want to cry. It is hard to talk about all members of your family (even yourself) in the third person because your mum knows they exist, but doesn't realize that it is indeed the same person sitting there on the couch. It is hard to suddenly realize that being so far from home has affected your ties so badly with your first family, but the move needed to have happened all the same. It is sometimes hard to accept the realities of this aging in our parents and in ourselves - it is hard and yet we all do it. We all do it in so many ways - my sister does it everyday through taking care of mum - I was able to do it just for a week - just for a week I could share in the memories with joy and smiles because I don't hear them repeated every day. Ask questions that I'd never asked before about the past, finding out more about mum's life before she'd been a mother and a wife. I was able to hear about how she loves me and misses me - her daughter Caroline who is over in Canada. I was given the opportunity to shrug off the typical daughter / mother baggage we had packed away over the years and be a friendly visitor, a kind stranger who was interested in hearing about a life.

In a couple of days of my visit I think I became familiar once again, I never heard my name, but sensed a better understanding even if things were confusing too. For the first time since I have visited home it was only my sister at the door waving at that horrid travel time of 5am - it was only my sister that I could see in the rear view window as I rounded the corner of my old street. Mum is here, in that I feel lucky, but she's missing too all in the same breath. It is hard to register how one should be feeling during these times. There is gratitude, guilt and regret all mixed in with a weary sadness. Many people I know are experiencing changed circumstances with their parents as everyone gets that little bit older - it isn't easy for anyone involved. My heart goes out today to everyone who is sharing time with their mums, remembering their mums, caring for their mums, missing their mums and for those who just wish they could have their mum back. Thinking of you all. X

My gift to Mum for the UK Mother's Day - despite her confusions during my stay - she remembered this childhood poem I had written word for word. It had always been her favourite and still made her smile.

Another romantic night in with hubby

Just finished baking cookies with the kids

Will you be there?

I wish I knew
I wish I’d known
I’d have held your hand
Held your heart
Told you things
Made you safe
But I didn’t know
I couldn’t know
So let me tell you now…

I loved you
You loved me
I have a cool
Family
I found a man
As nice as you
I’m all grown up
My girl is 2
She’d tell you that
If you were here
Stand on her toes
She has no fear
You would say
How old are you?
And she would giggle
I’m only 2
My eldest boy
He’s nearly 7
He doesn’t know
That you’re in heaven
But he would say
She’s turning 3
She has a birthday
Just like me
What will you buy me?
Will it be great?
Will you give me something?
When I turn 8
You’d like them Dad
I did good
Just like you told me
That I should
I’ve missed you lots
And moved on too
But there’s one thing
I need you to do…

Will you be there Dad?
I’m worried about Mum
Will you meet her Dad?
When it’s time to come
Will you hold her hand?
Tell her she’s alright?
Will you watch her Dad?
When she sleeps at night
She seems so old
It snuck up on us
I don’t want to make
A “Caroline fuss”
I just need to know
She won’t be alone
When it’s time for Mum
To
Come
Back
Home

CStorie 2015

Give yourself a break for Spring Break - make things easy, easy, easy.

Something that strikes me a lot since being a parent is how much we "do" these days. I wasn't brought up with this idea of celebrating EVERYTHING - birthdays fine - Easter & Christmas yes - but they lasted a DAY, and I could count the number of gifts on one hand. Things have exploded for the traditional celebrations and we have added more for good measure, a gift for everything, an event every day - it is EXHAUSTING for me & exhausting for them. Does every day need to be a party? Do we need to blow our kids minds with fun and frolics all the time? It feels like we do - I have a noisy boy whose brain is simply blown by the world as it is, I don't need to add stimulus and yet I seem to spend much of my time battling it away or holding contact from his eyes and getting him to breathe. The world is busy, the world is loud and the world is blowing our kids minds. But the world already did that. The world did that when the seasons came, when the fish swam, when the spider caught a bug in it's web. The world already did that when the thunder struck, the seeds grew and puddles splashed their legs. The world was already a party for our kids when it was simple, simple, simple why do we constantly feel that we need to do more, more, more?

And BREATHE ...

I am terrible for wanting to be everywhere doing everything. If I get a call to go somewhere I want to do it. If there is something exciting happening - I want to be there. Only problem being that actually being still and home is the very best tonic for my wonky times and moods. I have found this mantra to be my calmtra - if ever I feel I am missing out or getting the cranks because I can't get on with things as I would like. This phrase calms down the shallow breaths and makes me realize that rushing about is fruitless - I am where I need to be right now - doing the very thing I need to be doing.

Finding Inspiration

Please see this link for Anne Davies inspiring work

I have been feeling very wonky footed recently with the work I am doing. I have managed to speak with some people who I admire and they have allowed me to metaphorically spew in their company about how uncertain, icky and lost I feel with this journey at times. The conclusion from all these talks was:

This is normal

This is part of the process

This is sucky

This is how you move on

This is life

This is the rough

That comes with the smooth

This is how you progress

This is the way you get better

This is when you mustn't stop

This is when you show up

Make ick

Show up

Make ick

Show up

Have a tantrum

Show up

Show up

Show up

and then you find artists out there who show you a glimpse of what you have been looking for. Their work doesn't make you feel crappy - it makes your heart soar. Their work tells you it is going to be alright - I just told my little girl that when she got scared with a show - Pops i said it's ok, because it is going to be alright.

Caroline it's ok, because it is going to be alright.

#inspiration

The house that Jack built

The Clothing Store

Conversations with 2 year olds tend to be like this!!

Mumma is a Craft Nut

Mumma is a craft nut

She runs an online store

Once she made some crayons

Ten thousand dinosaur


Mumma is a craft nut

She decides to make a hat

From old mans pants she’d bought

That smell like Aunt Sue’s cat


Mumma is a craft nut

She’s happy then a frown

We celebrate. An order’s come!

A crazy man from town.


Mumma is a craft nut

Another order through!

4,000 felted birdies sold…

Deliver tomorrow by two


Mumma is a craft nut

She sometimes yells “ENOUGH”!

I’m never doing that again

Or buying all that stuff

I don’t make any money

It costs me more to send

This is a crazy way to live

I’m going round the bend


BUT Mumma is a craft nut

Back on her online store,

“Oprah’s favourite thing” she sighs

Dad’s walking out the door.

Red House

Don't Wait

A picture in a gallery

The end of 2013 for me was hard and I started 2014 with the mantra - I just don't want to feel like that again. I wiped my slate clean - nothing I planned seemed to be going anywhere and I was miserable - a lot of the time. So I decided to listen, listen to what was around me, what was I noticing and take action where necessary and be still where necessary. The first thing I found was stillness.

January can be a better month for me because my hubby is more available and with the extra hands around the house I can escape to little corners of rooms a lot easier without little hands banging on doors or just randomly shouting "MUM" as soon as my arse hits a chair in another room. This stillness and tiny bits of running away gave me some time to sit and write at the lap top. Write, write, write - a whole load of nonsense and whining and dreaming and self berating is sitting in files on my laptop. Rather embarrassing were anyone to find them - but necessary to just start to get it out of my ruminating mind, into the world and FINISHED! Once I had done the stillness for a while I started to notice very strange things.

When I say notice they have to come up significantly I would say at least 3 times if not 4 or 5. They have to seem a bit like a fly that you keep trying to swot away, but there it is buzzing in your brain. Now these are the GOOD ideas usually - that you have ignored no doubt, or I know I was for YEARS and YEARS, but now you are on this noticing lark and you said you would act - so go on, take the plunge and act. Yes mind that is interesting, it probably won't work, who knows where it will lead, there are lots of people far more qualified, prettier and skinnier than you who could do it. Yes it would take time, energy, who knows how it will go, where you will get the necessary funds, time or childcare. Let your brain go on and on with all the rubbish it likes to do when it feels under threat - but you know what - do it anyway. I saw a running course poster - I kept seeing it - I hate running - I joined the course - I ran - I still hated running - but I ran.

Then I saw a pitch course - how to send pitch ideas to magazines - this course was AMAZING - this course made me think I could write - this course led me to believe I could apply for a job with the local paper - this letter to the local paper accepted me to write their style living feature - this job has been the first job in my entire career that I have LOVED! The stillness led me to write some little rhyming pieces, these rhyming pieces made me think up little sketch / stitch pieces, I started to make pictures with words.

I saw an application for a local show - I told myself I was going to put a piece in that show. How I FOUGHT this one to the bitter end - nearly finished and I wasn't going to drop it off - but remember what you said at the beginning of the year - you HAVE TO ACT - it was shown, it was bought it is now in a local gallery for a show this month.

Then guess what. Oh no! The end of 2014 for me was hard and I started 2015 with the mantra - I just don't want to feel like that again. I wiped my slate clean - nothing I planned seemed to be going anywhere and I was miserable - a lot of the time. Yep there it was again - all that good - all that meaning I had created and yet by the end of the year I was drained and sad and so, so tired. BUT, now I know - December is not my month, now I know this is a kind of natural state for me at the end of the year - but this time I know I can change that! This year I don't need to wipe my slate so clean - I know what I need to pick myself up - I need stillness and I need to start noticing and I can't wait to see what I start to uncomfortably say yes to - because it is going to be one of those GOOD ideas I do so like to fight. Wishing you all a still and aware 2015.

Happy Home

Rules for 2015